Really, Four-Time-Losers? For those just joining us on the USS Really?, please cruise over to the original, the sequel, and/or the third installment to catch up on the glory propagated by these bastions, one and all, child and adult and all in between alike, of human dignity and nobility.
(If this column was capable of reading minds, and could tell exactly when you’d finished reading the above paragraph, I’d insert here a soundclip resembling human flatulence to play just then, for the record.)
It isn’t bad enough that your trash blows and/or is transported into my yard with some frequency and constancy. It isn’t bad enough that your band of feral children run amok on my property and every other on our block and the next over in every direction. It certainly isn’t bad enough that I’ve seen you in my front yard playing football with them on occasion. Absolutely, if you ever read this post, you could blame some of the indiscretion revealed herein on the wind, or a number of other factors, but the hard truth is, if there’s nothing there for the wind to blow around, the wind won’t blow anything around. Excuse me, I get ahead of myself.
So picture this: a blustery New Year’s Eve afternoon, and I’m raking leaves. Wait (and I know we typically only ask one very specific one-word question around here, but), What? By “What?” of course I refer to some degree of incredulity both that A) I’m spending my holiday afternoon raking leaves, but more so that B) I’m raking leaves in LATE DECEMBER? Which is, for anyone that knows anything about seasonal change, the rotation of the earth, yardwork, yard ownership, or anything else at all, far too late in the year to be rightfully raking leaves. You know what, though, Neighb’? I’m willing to accept these leaves as my own. They aren’t my own–they’re a rare (but decreasingly so) import from the throes of your own unkempt yard-space. I’ll suck it up on this one, partner. I want to be a good neighbor, and more importantly, a good person, so I’ll suck it up, rake ‘em, and dispose of ‘em properly.
Wait, though–as the title to this entry suggests, Lazy Neighbors, you’re just that–lazy. So naturally you’ve avoided raking or otherwise consolidating/removing the leaves that have fallen onto your lawn throughout the year, even once. A picture is beginning to form: whereas I’m concerned with being a good neighbor and person, you’re complacent with your current status, which scarcely elevates you above the worth-level of a parasitic moth (if that).
Why do I get the feeling that, come October or so, assuming I leave it to you, Lazy Neighbors, to take care of any leaves of yours that blow onto my property (you won’t), I’ll have a yard and patio full of your leaves, once again (I will)?
They say good fences make good neighbors, and boy, could I ever agree with that right now. If I ever have the spare capital to erect a fence between our respective properties, maybe I’ll consider painting each of seven panels thereof with large text characters on your side of the fence, spelling out R-E-A-L-L-Y-?
